Ok. So today was very interesting. Last night I thought I would have to go to Best Buy to see the geek squad about fixing my PC. But, thankfully my Husband was able to fix it last night. As I was complaining about having to go to Best Buy, Nicki was like “just go on your way to the Dr. You have to go that way anyways.” I told her I wanted to go with Sean though because I sound like an idiot trying to explain computer stuff. I really hate awkward situations. I also just have a lot of anxiety about random stuff just because I’m just a really nervous person in general. So, I really prefer not going places alone. Sooooo, I was sitting in the waiting room at the Dr’s office…alone. I wasn’t nervous about that, but now  I think I will have anxiety about Dr’s offices now. I was sitting in the corner of the room kind of by myself. I was enjoying my wait people watching. I noticed this old man  looking at me, but I didn’t think too much about it. Then, he came and sat a few chairs over from me. I was like hmm..He started reading the magazines so then I was like ohh ok  cool. He’s just reading the magazines. He started random chit with me and I was chuckling on the inside like..”ohh how cute.. old people just like to talk about anything.” THEN, out of NOWHERE.. he says. ” you look so good I could just eat you up.” I turned my head and laughed because I was shocked and I just thought he was just a crazy old man. Wasn’t too creeped out yet. I just ignored him and wouldn’t look at him. THEN he says ,” I could just lick you.” At that point I got mad and really scared. I’ve been creeped out before, but I was really scared. I looked around and I saw this man  and his wife sitting accross the room so I was thinking about  making a run for it and sitting by them. So, I was staring at the man and his wife trying to figure out what to do. I kept telling myself that was the last of the creepy man. THEN , he says ” I bet you would like it if I licked you.” I  spoke very loudly ,” NO! I wouldn’t.” The man who was sitting by his wife looked at me and I was staring at him like help me.  I think he started figuring out what was going on and I was about to get up then the nurse open the door and called for me. Then, the man says “by Sunday.” I  was just happy  to get away. I was thinking .. old people can get awat with a lot. When I say old.. he was like in his 80s. If that was a younger man, ohh it wouldn’t have went down like that. But , then I was mad that I didn’t go off on him. I was actually scared to leave. I had my keys in my hand and then I laughed and thought why am I scared? If I had to make a run for it, I’m sure I could make it. It was scary!!. So, Nicki, there’s a reason I don’t like to go places  alone. Groups are safer. Stranger Danger!

In a few days, I am going back to visit Susan and the rest of their family. I’m really not sure how its going to go. The only thing I care to talk about is information on my grandparents .They are from Italy. That’s pretty cool to me. The whole general chit chat with them is still weird for me. I don’t know why. When I got the email last week inviting me over again, it took me a few days to write back. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go and I didn’t know why. I thought about it for a few days and there were many thoughts. First, I thought about what was said in the email. She told me how everyone was doing and what they all have been up to. The thing that struck me is that one of my cousins seems to be getting serious with a significant other and my Aunt implied that they could possibly get married one day. She was saying that his girlfriend has 2 kids and now with Gabby it seems that this year for the holidays they will have kids around. It kind of made me mad because with all the details she shared about each of my cousins it seemed as though she was happy to share with me which a part of me was mad about. In  a way , I felt like.. well, I’m glad I’m can be here to share in these changes in ya’lls life now that nothing can ever change the fact that the family missed my wedding,  the birth of my first child.. all the “firsts” and big changes. I feel like  I do have a right to be upset about that after knowing they all kept the article I did when I was 19. They did know about me and who I was and they all chose to ignore it all.  After I figured my feelings about that, I still wasn’t ready to decide what I wanted to do. With my birth mom writing me and saying, ” do not contact me or my family again!!!”, I feel different  about that then I would have thought I would if I knew that was going to happen. I’m the type of person that when I feel that I have been done wrong by someone, I don’t back down. She told me to leave  them alone. What I normally would do is “ohh really? I’ll show you.” and make contact with the family a priority in my life. It is so weird because I think this is the ONLY situation where I don’t feel that way and probably the only situation important enough to where I should feel that way. Instead, I feel like I could truly care less about my birth mom. I’m  a fighter and I have NEVER felt like something is not worth fighting for, but I do. If anyone  tries to ever tell me anything about her, I will  cut them off immediately because I will literally get mad if I know anything else about her. Unfortunately, I already know a lot about her.  After I thought about all of that, that still wasn’t really it. After 3 days, I figured it out.  There are probably only 2 people in that entire family who doesn’t know what is going on. The most important people that it will effect. My birth mom and grandfather. I know deep down that with me coming around, it could more easily turn bad than good. I can likely see a huge blow up between the family at some point down the road and I know they are not going to choose me over my birth mom. If it blows up big enough, I will not be chosen over my birth mom. So, I thought about it and I accept that. I am curious to see where this goes and Susan already told me she would tell me about my grandparents. So, I’ve accepted the possibility of basically being rejected again and that’s OK with me. I understand it logically. So, I’ll have a fun weekend. Saturday: LSU game, food, family a friends. Sunday: birth family and once again, free food.